Is This Really All Up To Me?

After being told that programs I loved were being cut, people I adored were being transferred, and clients I admired were without services on and off for the past fifteen years, something happened to me.

It was a quiet change.  One I hadn't realized.  It was a change that left me feeling numb and lifeless by the last year.  It was a feeling of defeat.  I was always the Polyanna in the room, the punching bag that kept bouncing back up after every knockdown, until I just didn't anymore.  I still put on a good game face, one of hope and resilience, but something in my soul was simply dark.  I left the job.

After the past six months of being with family, friends, nature, music, time for cooking, reading, singing and learning, I found myself in there.  I didn't go anywhere.  I wasn't actually lifeless inside.  It is amazing how a little light can still remain in the middle of that darkness.

Then, I was given a gift.  A gift of choice.  A gift of deciding what to do.  It really was all up to me now.  There is no boss standing in the room telling me that I can't praise my staff or that I am doing a poor job because I don't follow the rules.  There is no boss telling me that another program will be cut and I just have to suck it up.  There is no boss sitting in the room telling me that I care too much about my clients and staff.  There is no boss sitting in the room watching my every move and verbally beating the hope out of me.

I am here everyday, deciding that what I wanted to do before is still doable.  I am here everyday, deciding it is all up to me to embrace the hope, perseverance, compassion, love and joy that is a natural and blessed part of who I am.  I can share all of this with the world in any way I want without anyone telling me I can't.

So, I choose to continue on this path.  I choose to no longer fear the power that I have to really make a difference.  I choose to be as wildly hopeful and optimistic as I was before anybody ever told me I couldn't be.  I choose to make money, lots of money trading, so that I can reach my ultimate goals.  My goals are:
1.  To invest in the resilience of people, to provide holistic healing centers for anybody in need, no matter what their background or ability to pay.
2.  To create a fund for community and school gardens around the country.
3.  To take care of my family.

It is really all up to me.  It is time to get out of my way.